TOOLS & REFERENCES
Resources.
A curated reading path, conversation prompts you can actually use, and a plain-language glossary.
A reading path.
Companion reading—other books and voices worth knowing. Ordered by accessibility, not authority.
The No-Bullshit Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamy
Start here. Everything else is supplement.
The Ethical Slut
The foundational text. Dated in places, essential in others.
Polysecure
Attachment theory applied to polyamory. Useful if jealousy or anxiety runs deep.
Nonviolent Communication
Not about relationships specifically, but the communication framework is indispensable.
More Than Two
Thorough and earnest. Read alongside the authors' later public reckoning for full context.
Rewriting the Rules
Quietly excellent. Challenges the assumptions buried in how we think about relationships.
Conversation prompts.
Questions worth sitting with before you answer. Good for partners, solo reflection, or annual check-ins.
What does this change look like if it goes exactly as I hope?
What am I most afraid of—and is that fear about this situation, or something older?
What would I need to feel genuinely secure, not just technically permitted?
What would my partner need to hear from me right now that I haven't said yet?
If this agreement stopped working in six months, what would I want the process of changing it to look like?
Am I operating from what I actually want, or from what I think I should want?
What does jealousy feel like in my body right now? What is it trying to tell me?
What does "this is working" look like for me in one year?
Glossary.
The vocabulary of ENM can feel like a hazing ritual. Here are the terms you'll encounter most, defined without ceremony.
- Compersion
- Joy felt at a partner's happiness with someone else. You can feel both compersion and jealousy simultaneously.
- ENM / Ethical Non-Monogamy
- An umbrella term for any relationship structure that is openly, consensually non-exclusive.
- Metamour
- Your partner's other partner. Connected through a shared partner, not directly involved romantically.
- NRE (New Relationship Energy)
- The heightened intensity typical of new relationships. Makes people do irrational things. Fades. Plan accordingly.
- Kitchen-table poly
- A style where all partners are comfortable enough to sit around a kitchen table together.
- Parallel poly
- A style where partners don't interact with each other. Valid, not cold.
- Hierarchical polyamory
- A structure where relationships are explicitly ranked (primary, secondary, etc.).
- Non-hierarchical polyamory
- A structure that avoids ranking relationships. Not identical—just no predetermined hierarchy.
- Relationship anarchy (RA)
- A philosophy that rejects predefined rules. Each connection is defined by the people in it.
- Solo poly
- Polyamory while prioritizing personal autonomy—not seeking a "primary" partner or entanglement.
- Polycule
- The network of people connected through overlapping relationships. Map it out sometime.
- DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)
- An arrangement where partners don't share details about outside relationships. Works for some; fails badly for others.
Want the full toolkit?
The book includes expanded versions of all of this, plus frameworks for situations the prompts can't anticipate.